wee man

Everyone is doing well Baby G has a little jaundice but hopefully because he’s nursing well he’ll be ok in the next day or two. So far he likes to sleep all day and be up ALL NIGHT. Last night was a long nursing fest pretty much and today he’s been sleeping on daddy and mommy.

Big brother Thomas and Nana are here for the weekend to help out and Thomas is already crooning to his little brother and playing acoustic guitar (which by the way seems to wake him up even more, I think he likes it).

Now Lily… she goes back and forth. She may need therapy. She’s jealous but curious and tried to jump into the crib twice (eek) and when he’s in his swing you have to sit RIGHT THERE and watch her. Any new baby/dog advice would be appreciated.

Ok, off to rest some more!!!

xoxoxox for all your comments!

He’s Here

There he is

7.10 20 1/2 inches Born at 1:05 AM on July 15 He’s perfect

We are doing ok. Exhausted (although I got some sleep last night) and he’s nursing well. Dad and I have a lot to learn

Thomas is a big brother! More later but we wanted to give you a peek! Thank you ALL for your emails and love!!!

one more day… killling time

Monday 9:30

As long as a laboring mom doesn’t walk in the door as they are about to start my drip. I’ll cry. But hey at least I’ll be in the hospital.

I’m not nervous at all… just ready. I was ready last week. We’ve been walking every morning, I hope it helps gets things moving along on their own. Of course I’m contracting and cramping constantly. I don’t know how that works. I must be tricky.

All the cleaning was done last week, the food is in the freezer. I’m just worried about Lily getting her walk every day and being lonely. Today we spoiled her with a 2 mile walk at Presumscott. She loved it. I think tomorrow we’ll take her to the Brunswick Boat launch so she can go swimming. If anyone want to walk her Tues and Wed please let us know. I’m hoping if all goes natural that I’ll be home Thursday at the latest.

Maybe I’ll have some words of wisdom tomorrow on the eve of baby Garrett’s birth

putting on the brakes

Had the amnio today and his lungs are not mature enough. Induction is postponed until next Monday. Ugh.

american baby part 1

Our last belly shot! Andrew came up with this genius idea for the 4th but I was in too much pain and too crabby.

We can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Tomorrow at 9:30 we have our amnio to check Garrett’s lungs. There is a .5% chance the won’t be ready. He is enormous, I’m not concerned… and we had steroids.

Today we cooked so they we have food for anyone who stays here and so WE have food to shove in the oven when we get home. We are as ready as we can be I think…

I’m excited, I can’t wait to see his face… and his hair I guess there is quite a bit of it according to the ultrasounds we have had ($6000 worth of ultrasounds according to Maine Med). By the way we got the bill for my cardioversion… $24K altogether. Whoa.

Off to bed… 2 more days.

we have a plan!

Kay walked by me in the waiting room as I struggle through another annoying contraction and said “Oh I have big plans for you Ms Tess” and I looked and Andrew and said “she’s screwing with me isn’t she?” or something to that effect. But she did… bless her heart she had a plan.

Next Monday I am schedule for an amnio at 9 am at Maine Med (and yes even though I am full term they still have to do it… its a Maine thing I guess) to make sure the baby’s lungs are mature enough to deliver safely. I had 2 steroid shots 4 weeks ago so we don’t forsee an issue (that was right before the whole going into A-fib thing so some of you may have forgotten). Tuesday morning, if all test results are ok, I will be admitted and induced. I struggled with this one to be honest with you. I may still struggle over the course of the next week. Kay consulted with Jackie Blackstone, a high risk OB who has been with Maine Med and delivering babies for over 18 years. I trust these people, I know my baby is in good hands. But am I bringing him into the world early to ease my own pain and discomfort… and borderline depression? However, I have to believe that a happy mother makes a happy baby and at this point in my heart of hearts I know that he and I will both be much better off with him in my arms. I’m not whining, but shit I have been through more than I think I can bear. It’s like the movie Groundhog Day.

I’m still hoping I go into labor on my own before next Tuesday. But after all these contractions my cervix has not budged. I actually did a newborn shoot today, in the heat and now I am back in false labor purgatory, but I know its not doing anything. I have had my share of Red Rasberry tea, Evening Primrose Oil etc… and I’ll keep it up just in case!

Now off to take Lily to the vet. It looks like she has a tick bite that round red ring… the one they scare the crap out of you about in school???

ugh

No, I haven’t had the baby and yes I’m contracting but is that any different than any other day? Nope.

It’s freaking hot and humid and I’m in pain and annoyed. So please don’t take it personally if I don’t answer your voice mails or emails right away… I just don’t know what to tell people anymore. It’s only 36 weeks today and I could LITERALLY be pregnant for 4 more weeks… depending on what the doctor says tomorrow at our appt. Andrew says “people just care and wanna know” and I completely understand and I am grateful. But if I hear the question “Have that baby yet??????”, I might give birth on your head.  I’m just sayin. I know everyone means well but trust me when I  tell ya, that NOBODY wants it to happen N-O-W more than I do. K?

Excuse my Ms Cranky Pants status and hopefully after I see Kay tomorrow I will be more cheerful and have a big bright freaking light at the end of the tunnel and we’ll be able to put this GIANT contraction to a halt.

I love you guys

on the verge

We went to the OB today and yep things are moving. Baby G’s head is engaged (and I knew that because I FELT him wiggle his way down there like a frog), I’m dilating a little bit at a time yay! But our OB is off tomorrow so uh, we are instructed to try not to go into real labor until Sunday night. Um, I’ll do my best Kay. I say “real” labor because I’ve BEEN in labor forever it seems, now we just have to turn that corner to water breaking and unbearable pain. Oh, and I am exhausted!

But did you see that freaking storm? Hail, wind, driving rain… holy sh*t it was like the apocalypse. We were driving in it because I wanted to go to Range Pond and swim and float. We never made it because of the storms, too dangerous. Maybe tomorrow if I feel like it… even on the way today I kept thinking silently “we should turn around, I’m gonna pop”. But I didn’t and here I am on my couch watching my sea monkey wiggle his way. I asked Andrew to take a couple of belly shots. I guess I was feeling huge. I wish we could do a time lapse. Boy is on the move.

thank you

Thank you so so much for all your amazing stories, emails, and comments. Man I love my women friends.

I think baby G is wiggling his way down… he dropped today A LOT. No more feet in my ribs and some other things happened too but unless you are a mom, you so don’t wanna know. So I feel a little better about things happening on their own. Of course I will keep ya’ll posted and let you know if I go anywhere. I’m having contractions of course, but things feel pretty intense. Hopefully I’m dilating and will be off today or tomorrow to deliver this wee man! Who is not so wee by the way, he’s at least 6.8 pounds

a friend of mine said:

“Pregnancy is a lonely thing” (you know who you are fancy)..

and she was right. I have friends, colleagues, my own mother, Andrew, Thomas, my doctor… but does anyone have any idea what “I” am dealing with? No. Nor can I really even explain it. It all sounds like complaining to me, and then in the end you get the beautiful baby. But here’s my concern right now. How is this good for my baby?

Let me explain the last 24 hours (and still going) to you:

Woke up yesterday sick to my stomach, showered and puked. Tried to muddle through my day ignoring my contractions, which come every 4 minutes at least and are at least a 4 or 5 on that “pain scale”. I’m dizzy, I’m sad, I’m a freaking depressed mess. I call the dr. at 3 and she tells me there is a bug going around. Um ok, but seriously? I pretend to NOT be in labor so I leave the house with Thomas, go buy some dirt at HD and go to Borders… by the way this is only after taking a pain killer so I can walk. Because if I sit here or lay here for another second I will perform my own version of a C Section. I’m not kidding. I get home from HD and realize THAT was a really bad idea because if I think I was miserable THEN.. well that was NOTHING. The pain is so bad, my uterus never stops tensing up. Its one constant contraction… no relief and I mean NO relief no matter what I take. So I lay down, it gets worse, I get up and walk a bit and OMG do I get smacked in the gut with the most unreal pain. Do I call the OB? No. You know why? Because my water hasn’t broken and the fact that I am sitting here coherent enough to type tells you that it wasn’t IT. And baby g still kicks up a storm when a contraction “passes” and they never really pass…

So… I took a bath, I took an Ambien, I tried to sleep. I did ok for a couple of hours, I actually felt the release of my uterus. But now I am awake again and back in it. I showered and had a banana, and my gut is a tight ball of pain and discomfort.

Andrew doesn’t know what to do for me, Thomas (poor kid to witness this fiasco) thinks birth may be the scariest thing on the planet and it may just kill his mother… which means there’s a lot of guilt and faking it for me. Which may actually be a good distraction, otherwise I would be a sobbing mess 24/7 but I don’t like to cry in front of my kid. There is absolutely NOTHING anyone can do at this point, short of induction and delivery. And is that best? He’s not 36 weeks yet and still almost a week and 3 days to full term. So is my discomfort worth his abrupt welcome into the world if he truly isn’t ready? Do I want to be responsible for anything other than giving him the best I can give him? I wish there were options. I wish there was a uterine muscle relaxer that didn’t send me into Afib and cause heart problems. I wish there were a happy pill to get me through the next week or so… or 2 depending on when he wants to make his appearance.

But here is my other very real, very valid concern. When the mother suffers and the uterus contracts constantly… is that ok for baby? At what point does it become a negative environment for him (and yeah I am meditating and telling him he is in a happy safe warm place in there, but pardon me while you are squeezed for the next 45 seconds)? Will he be affected by my misery? I asked the dr and she said that yes, baby’s do often show signs of fetal distress and if Garrett did she would take him out this second. But he always looks amazing on ultrasound and the monitor. It seems he doesn’t really want to be anywhere else.

But why is this happening? And why doesn’t anyone have an answer to that simple question? Why isn’t it already documented someplace? The reason for cranky uterus is…… and there, we fix it. And why am I not dilating if said uterus is so damn cranky??!! Isn’t that what happens???? Uterus contracts, cervix dilates… baby comes out. NOT uterus contracts, meds are given, Tess goes into a-fib, Tess gets the paddles, uterus continues to contract for TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT EVERY SINGLE DAY! WTF????

I am absolutely exhausted, and feeling very very very ALONE. And crying… for the 3rd time today. I guess I feel sorry for myself. This isn’t the way I wanted it to be. When I found out I was pregnant with this baby I was thrilled. I thought I was done, I didn’t think it was possible. The possibility of having a child with someone who I loved more than I have ever loved before and be happy about it! To be of an age where we can actually handle it, give him and Thomas what ever they need and not be broke. To have a great flexible career that allows me to do what I love and still be home with my boys? And to share the load with a man I respect, love and admire (not that I didn’t feel that way about Thomas’ dad… we were just way too young).

I saw the birth I didn’t have with Thomas (I had some crotchety old doctor who thought I was just another pregnant swf in Lowell MA)… but I got to hold him right away and bond. I’m not sure that will happen with this baby if he’s born early or I have to have a c-section after being induced. So do I suck it up and just cry and deal?

But this is why pregnancy and childbirth can be a lonely thing. No two are alike, so nobody fully understands what you are going through. Things rarely go as planned. And most of all, there is nobody inside your head but you. Only you know how much you can take, or how much you can give. How did I even make it through yesterday? What if today ends up the same way? What will I do? There are no drugs I can take to stop the contractions because of what happened with my heart and if I take any more pain pills, Garrett could be born addicted. Um NO thanks.

My doctor and I made a joke that she wishes she could just put my down for a week and half. I didn’t even laugh, I was like “um is that an option?”

So welcome to my lonely world and thank you for listening, it makes me cry more but it makes me feel  better to write it all out. And hey, if you have been here and know whats its like… please tell me. But please don’t say “not much longer now” because I might smack you.